


(we believe) in us

by ThoughtfulMess



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Christianity, Friends to Lovers, Love, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 02:02:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17458502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThoughtfulMess/pseuds/ThoughtfulMess
Summary: Dan and Phil are two best friends who live close to each other. what happens when Dan confesses to slightly-homophobic phil??





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys I'm back! this fic includes some potentially triggering topics like homophobia (not too graphic??) also it's kind of a bash on really Christian people-its just I have a lot of frustration towards some Christians right now where I live and it's reflecting a bit in my writing sry :) 
> 
> hope you enjoy!!

It was late. Not “it's past my bedtime late” but “everyone in the whole city is sleeping and the streetlights have turned off to conserve energy.” kind of late. This didn't deter Dan though. No, at this point he was used to staying up this late. It had become routine. He'd go to bed at a decent time, the same time as his younger brother who slept in the top bunk, but he’d never fall asleep.

This was due to his never ceasing thoughts of his friend, Phil Lester. Every night he’d stare up into the slats of the bed above him and think of Phil. Phil's gorgeous ice blue eyes, Phil’s protruding cheekbones, Phil's sleek black hair that was always swept perfectly to the right.

Yes, his mind never stopped thinking about Phil. Especially tonight.

Tonight it felt like to Dan as if his heart was made of wood and somebody kept chipping flakes of it off. He knew Phil would never, even in his wildest dreams, ever like Dan back. First off, Phil was straight AND a devout evangelical Christian. He didn't even know what homosexuality was until he was 13. His parents discouraged being gay as most parents discourage dropping out of school. Phil would have no interest in Dan. The only thing however, that could cheer Dan up was the fact that him and Phil were best friends. Since they were 4. So that was a good 12 years of being attached at each other's hip. Plus they lived only five houses down from one another. Dan knew that almost nothing would break their friendship.

Except coming out gay to Phil of course.

That would definitely leave their friendship in shambles. Phil's parents would never speak to Dan if they knew, nor would they let their other 4 children come over to Dan’s house to play with his 3 younger siblings. Dan didn't want his sisters to stop being friends with Phil's siblings just because he was gay.

No, his love for Phil had to be a secret.

It had to.

Right? 

Dan shoved the feelings he had deep inside himself every day but tonight he could feel the emotions escaping. It was like he was at the ocean and he was being beaten with wave after wave after wave. But these waves were actually waves of unrequited love. Dan’s body ached.

Everything ached.

Especially his heart.

Suddenly Dan shot up out of bed and silently made his way downstairs, throwing on his leather coat before heading outside. He couldn't stand it anymore. The thoughts of Phil were overwhelming. He couldn't stand it. He couldn't fucking deal with the agony anymore.

Fuck Phil’s parents and their homophobia.

Fuck his sister's and their friendship with the Lester’s.

Fuck his friendship with Phil.

Fuck.

Dan stomped across the sidewalk, too filled up with teenage angst to care at the loud sound of his bare feet hitting the pavement. He needed to do this. 12 fucking years of pining for his best friend and he had had enough. Screw everything he thought as he pulled his jacket tighter, the wind pushing against him. Dan knew he was being extremely selfish, as telling Phil would ruin everything he had tried to keep stable for so long.

But he couldn't take hiding his feelings and his blushing face every goddamn time someone even mentioned Phil's name. He had to do this. This one little thing for himself. At long last, Dan pulled up to a stop underneath Phil's window. This part requires a bit more athletic ability as he had to scale the tree that stood right outside Phil's window. As he got to the top of the branch he hesitated.

Dan looked through the window and saw a sleeping Phil, the moonlight hitting his face in such a way to make him seem almost ethereal. Dan took a deep breath. He had to do this. He had to confess his feelings for Phil. He needed to get this off his chest after 12 years.

As the wind whipped Dan’s hair and he straddled the branch outside Phil's window, he flashed back to when he first realized he was in love with Phil.

 

He was four. Their first meeting. Dan had been sitting on the floor of the nursery when he had looked over and saw a skinny boy with shaggy hair enter the door. He saw the boy cling to his mother's waist and looking around nervously. Dan had felt bad for the boy. The boy obviously didn't know anyone. Dan had, however, assembled a group of friends to play with over the first few hours since he had shown up and was fairly popular. He had shown a group of kids earlier to make a dinosaur out of legos and suddenly he had had friends.

But now, looking over at the sad boy afraid to leave his mommy gave Dan a pang in his heart. He watched as the boys mom pried his fingers off her skirt and shooed him away. The boy had given a sad nod and went to the corner, not bothering to look at any of the toys. He had sat there, fringe covering his eyes, hugging his knees when Dan had come over.

Dan remembers fondly how he was the first one to coax the dazzling smile he knew all too well out of the older boy. He was the one to extend a hand and now?

They barely left each other's side.

When their hands had first touched, Dan had felt a jolt of energy, and from then on, he knew he was in love with the hot, kind, older, ebony-haired boy.

 

Dan snapped out of his memories and focused on the window in front of him. He swiftly pulled it open and ducked into the room. As he made his way to Phil's bed, he hesitated for a second time.

Was this really the right thing? Couldn't he just always keep it a secret?

Dan shook his head, determined. As he padded softly to the bed he bent down and pushed a stray hair out of Phil's eye. God, he looked so beautiful. This was happening. It really really was. He was definitely ruining his life and others too, but whatever. Fuck it all. Dan brought his shaking hand to his hair and pushed his hand through the curls. He was really doing this. With the other hand he shook Phil awake.

Phil's eyes opened slowly, blinking so gently that his long eyelashes scraped across his cheek. How Dan longed to kiss that smooth cheek.

“Phil?” Dan called out tentatively. “I need to talk to you.”

Phil pulled a hand up to his eye and rubbed it. Delicately. Oh so delicately.

“What about”

Phil then looked at the alarm clock blinking next to him and he glanced back in shock to Dan.

“It's 3:30 in the morning. What the hell am I doing up? What the hell are YOU doing up? We have school tomorrow!!”

“I know.” Dan paused. He bit his lip, pulling it in and rocked back a bit on his heels. “I needed to talk to you.”

Phil swallowed thickly and took in the nervousness of his best friend. Something was wrong. That was for certain. His long fingers found Dan’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“You can tell me anything, Dan. Something's up, I can see. Something important, or else you wouldn't be sitting on the floor of my bedroom in the early hours of the morning.”

“What is it?” He tacked on, leaning a bit forward to brush his fingers along Dan’s cheek.

It was wet. Tears, Phil could see. But what was making the strong, confident, Daniel Howell cry?

Phil could only wait.

Dan leaned into Phil’s touch, relishing what was probably going to be the only form of affection Phil was ever going to show to him again. God. Phil was so NICE. And caring. And compassionate. And funny. And charming. And anything Dan could ever want. He took a deep breath, tears still sliding out of his closed eyelids.

“I'm gay, Phil.

And I'm in love with you.”

Dan opened his eyes and looked into Phil's steely blue ones.

He needed to see his reaction however bad it may be. He pulled his hand away from Phil's and shrunk a bit backwards, still awaiting Phil's reply. But Phil just sat there like he had been struck by lightning. His eyes were hard and unfocused. Dan shrunk away a bit more, too far away for Phil to continue putting his hand on his cheek.

God.

He was scared. He knew how Phil would react. He HAD grown up in a household full of homophobes. Phil would hate him, period. He had thought maybe there’d be some chance at them still remaining friends, but that hope had been crushed like a bug under a shoe in an instant. But Dan sat there still, waiting and hoping beyond hope that Phil would take it well.

But it was not to be.

Suddenly Phil's voice became deeper and harsher.

“Get out.”

Those two words were enough for Dan to start crying again. He couldn't see now. His eyes were covered in tears and everything looked watery. In some twisted way he felt relief in a sense that he had finally admitted to it. But the relief did not outweigh the pain of having your only best friend in the world tell you to leave. And never come back.

Dan stumbled away, picking himself off the ground and accidentally hitting the wall behind him.

“Get out.” He heard again.

This time he didn't look back into Phil's hate filled eyes. He opened up the window as fast as humanly possible and scrambled out, never once looking back at his former friend. As Dan scurried down the trunk of the tree he had so bravely climbed not 2 minutes before, the only thing he felt was regret.


	2. finally?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is still struggling with his unrequited feelings. especially since Phil knows now. will phil really hate dan forever?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is some use of the word f*g in this so please dont read if that triggers you!!! 
> 
> I just want everyone to have fun and I hope you enjoy! :)

The next morning Dan pulled his aching body out of the too-small bunk bed and headed out the door. No breakfast, no changing of clothes. No. Dan was too sad and unmotivated to do much of anything other than sling his backpack over his shoulder and tell his busy mom he was leaving.

When he got to school he instinctively looked around for Phil before realizing they weren't friends anymore. Dan quickly turned his head to the side trying to stifle the tears he felt welling up. He knew this would happen. He fucking KNEW, but he had been too delirious with lack of sleep and the pent up feelings that he HAD to go and ruin his wonderful long lasting friendship with Phil. Dan focused on the ground silently cursing. Well, this was all his fault so he guessed he was going to have to accept it.  
Throughout the day, Dan caught himself looking around for Phil, or thinking of something to tell Phil before he was struck with the painful reminder that that would never happen again. He walked to his locker after a long day of trying to focus on his studies while simultaneously trying not to cry.

He had just started the combination when he heard a voice. And not just any voice. This voice belonged to the schools dumbest bully, Jack Holloway.

“Hey fag. did you fuck some boys today?” Jack sneered.

Dan mentally raged at the fact that his locker was tucked in a cute little corner where no one would be able to hear his cries for help. Dan would just have to take it. He abruptly stopped putting his combination in and turned to face Jack.

“What do you want?”

“I'm here to make your face get smashed.” Jack replied.

Dan shook his head. This dude was so dumb.

“Are you mocking me, fag?”

“nnn….o" he stuttered out. God. He was so screwed.

The bully got closer until Dan could feel his hot breath on his face. He closed his eyes, wanting so badly to escape reality in this moment. Dan wasn't weak, in fact most people were scared of his emo grunge look and fringe. He was also a good fighter, due to always wrestling with his little brother when they were young. But to Jack, Dan was just a short faggot who he liked to pick on.

As Jack got impossibly closer, and Dan’s eyes impossibly shut tighter, he felt a fist collide with his ribs.

Instantly he melted down into the floor, his hands reaching up to grasp at the surely broken bone. His breath came in short gasps. At this point in his and Jack's relationship he knew it was better not to fight back.

Dan’s strategy was to wait. But it was a shit strategy. He then felt another fist on his cheek, which Dan knew would also leave a bruise. Jack was relentless and strong. God. Hopefully Jack was almost done.

“Do you like that, bubble? Huh? I bet I’m the only guy who’s even been near you ever. Ha. Fuck you, Dan” Jack whispered down into Dan’s ear.

Then suddenly there was another voice, a voice Dan knew by heart and was instantly so glad to hear.

“Fuck off, Jack. Leave him alone. Can't you see he's had enough?” the voice said.

“whatever.” Jack replied, promptly kicking Dan in the ribs again.

When Dan heard retreating footsteps, he dared to open his eyes. And right in front of him was Phil. His eyes piercing into Dan’s tear filled brown ones.

“Hey” Phil whispered carefully. “he's gone now”

Dan nodded his head, still unsure of whether to speak to his friend turned enemy. He picked himself off the ground and wrapped his fingers around his ribcage again, wobbling a bit as he tried to ignore the pain. He walked a couple steps before feeling a hand clasp his wrist.

“I need to talk to you.”

Dan whipped around, afraid of what Phil would say next. He then settled himself on the floor next to him and anxiously waited for Phil to continue. Dan saw Phil's hands shake a bit before taking a deep breath.

“you know my family's Christian.”

Dan nodded.

“and they hate homosexuality.”

Dan nodded again.

“and how I grew up surrounded with hate toward gays.”

Dan nodded a third time, unsure of where Phil was going with this.

“I was thinking last night. After you left. I knew I had been extremely mean to you and that was unacceptable to be honest. You HAD been my friend for 12 years after all.”

He inwardly flinched at Phil using the past tense to describe their relationship but refocused as he continued.

“yeah. So, I was thinking that since you've been my best friend for ages that you admitting you're gay shouldn't change our relationship as you've been gay for a while before I even knew and we were still friends. And then I thought to myself of the hurt look on your face as you left, and how I was the one who caused it. I don't want you to be sad, Dan. But then I was thinking of your brown curly hair and your chocolatey eyes and how you were the one to cheer me up the first day of nursery. And I thought to myself, ‘damn. This wonderful, confident, sexy, optimistic guy has been my friend for so long.” Phil paused. Contemplating whether or not to continue. He also conveniently didn't look Dan in the eyes either.

“And then I realized something. Despite what my family always told me. Despite the fear lodged deep inside me. Despite the sure rejection of my parents. I realized.” He paused again.

At this point Dan just wanted him to continue. It felt like a goddamn cliffhanger. Phil's cheeks blushed scarlet for a moment and his voice dropped lower in pitch and became very soft.

“I realized, last night to myself.” Phil drew in another shaky breath, knowing the rest of his sentence could never be taken back and all his fears would come true after he confessed. He pushed on, however, and feeling brave for a minute he looked into Dan’s eyes and finished his sentence.

“that I'm in love with you too.”

There.

It was said.

He was in love with his best friend of 12 years too.

Fuck his parents.

Fuck their internalized homophobia.

Fuck his internalized homophobia.

Fuck all the people in his church who said it was wrong.

Fuck that line in Leviticus where it said that a man shall not lie with another man.

Fuck.

He was in love with his best friend, and despite the rush of fear he felt, he knew that Dan loved him back. Phil stared deeply into Dan’s shocked eyes and waited.

His answer came momentarily when he felt warm lips press into his. Phil wasn't shocked and he immediately melted into the kiss. He felt joyous in this moment. More content then he ever felt in church. Dan’s lips knew what they were doing and every move was calculated exactly to give Phil warm tingles up his spine.

This was heaven.

Dan couldn't see anymore. No, his vision looked like the night sky. Every time Phil's tongue brushed against his made the stars shine ever brighter and made Dan’s heart glow.

This.

This is what he had always wanted.

Phil's lips and tongue pressed against his was nothing like he had ever imagined it.

It was better.

And it was real.

All the physical pain from Jack and the emotional pain from last night melted away as they continued their long awaited kiss. All the anxious thoughts of their homophobic families dissipated and they could only feel lips on lips and tongue on tongue.

It was perfect. And it was theirs.


End file.
